To Love Loneliness

I find the loneliness/isolation is a powerful thing. It can either make you or it can break you. The past few months sometimes have really been an exercise in being with myself and my thoughts and silence.

It’s nice to hear myself think. My focus gets better. I can be more calm. My thought process becomes a little more linear.

At the same time, I find that certain thought processes take me places I don’t want to go.

As Nietzsche said, you stare into the abyss, it stares right back into you. I’d like to add to that saying, you stare into the abyss, it stares back, and whispers toxic ideas into your ear.

It is nice to spend time with myself, but I also acknowledge that I can be my own worst enemy. If I allow it, it is possible to give into certain feelings that I don’t want to be close to: ideas of stress, suspicion, fear, and anger.

I think the strength lies in knowing what parts of myself to listen to, and what parts of myself to ignore. Sometimes we tend to sabotage ourselves with that little voice in our head that tells us we’re not good enough, not strong enough, not good looking enough, or not smart enough. It really takes experience to know how to ignore that voice.

There were times when I'm alone that I may faltered little. I get paranoid. I get insecure. But I think overall, it was good. I have understood myself better. I understand how to appreciate loved ones more.

I believe there is a yin and yang balance between love and loneliness. I think those who have never felt lonely are those who cannot know how to properly love others. Love is like, being warm; loneliness is like the cold outside during the winter. Hot cocoa with a lit fireplace is cozy and nice partly because of the rain or the snow outside. The colder it is outside, if it is warm inside, the cozier it can feel.

We should learn how to properly be lonely, because to feel that way is partly an indication of our own innate capacity to love someone else. I find more and more that when I feel alone, I sometimes might find ways of distracting myself from it whether through shopping, or video games, or drinking. But most of the time, it only makes it worse.

I have come to learn to acknowledge loneliness. To greet it as an old friend and embrace it as a natural part of life, but without giving in or surrendering to it. Because, how can I understand another person if I cannot understand myself? And how can I love another person if I cannot love myself when I’m alone? If I can only be half of a person that’s not exactly good, is it?

Brian XiaoComment